Confession #17: I have felt inadequate

When I am involved with hosting an event or presenting at an event, it exhilarates and stretches me. I’m challenged to overcome rejection, fears and a host of other obstacles. With my eyes on the desired outcome, I get in my zone and remain focused to the end.

By the day after an event, I am completely exhausted. I don’t usually plan any activities and I do very little problem solving. I just sit and be. Sometimes I’m so drained that I temporarily feel ill.

The morning after one particular event, I awakened with a throbbing headache and little energy. Although highly successful, the event had been intense, and I was physically and emotionally weary. From my past experiences, I knew that a migraine might be in my future. I needed to rehydrate and rest.

The problem was that I had gone against my better judgment and planned a lunch date. I try to keep my commitments, and the person I’d agreed to spend time with is dear to me. So, I decided to ignore my needs and push through.

As I struggled to get dressed, I received an urgent call from someone else that is dear to me. Again, I ignored my body’s plea for rest, and I answered the call. I already felt empty but I used whatever fuel I had left to encourage the caller.

Unfortunately, the call lasted longer than I anticipated and caused me to be a little late for my lunch date. With an intensified headache and depleted energy, I faced an angry lunch companion. Even after I apologized and explained the reason for my tardiness, I was still harshly reprimanded.

There I was ignoring my needs in an attempt to please others yet it still wasn’t enough. Less than 24 hours earlier I had effectively led event participants through their painful life experiences and many left with hope for the future. But in that moment, I felt completely inadequate. I remember saying, “Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough.”

Honestly speaking, on most days, I feel confident and empowered. But I also have days when I feel inadequate and defeated. Those days are sneaky. I very seldom see them approaching, and they always stem from a lie.

I’ve learned that the only way to defeat a lie is with the truth. Therefore, when I feel inadequate, unqualified, unworthy, not enough, like a failure or any other lie I might believe about myself, I go to my Creator. After all, who knows me better? No one, not my friends, not my family, not my parents. I don’t even know myself better than my Creator knows me.

So when I need a reminder of what is true about me, I get in a quiet state of mind. Then, I ask God the question that I have asked so many times before, “How do you see me, Lord?” And His answer eliminates all competing answers.